Locker McDonald, MA, ALC
Forgiveness is not about justice, and it is not about what we deserve. It’s about healing.
Forgiveness is a topic that comes up often in counseling. What I have found is that many people have difficulty forgiving their abusers because they do not fully understand what forgiveness is. Admittedly, I have a difficult time describing what it is. What has helped me, however, is to understand three aspects of forgiveness. One is why forgive. What are the benefits of forgiving those who have wronged us? Two is what forgiveness is not. These are myths that have developed over time as we misuse and misunderstand the word itself. And third is what forgiveness actually means. What does the word mean, and how can we approach forgiveness from a practical standpoint?
I have found the book, “Forgive for Good” by Dr. Fred Luskin to be highly insightful on this matter. In his introduction, Dr. Luskin describes the problem of bitterness as a crowded airspace of flights attempting to land. He makes the point that the airspace becomes crowded when we decide to personalize the grievance committed by someone else, we hold on to blame of someone else (or ourselves), and we create a “grievance story”.
There is a saying that, “bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” When we hold on to grudge, or the grievance story, we are holding on to the very thing that is holding us back, or causing us distress. Forgiveness, on the other hand, paves the way for healing emotionally, psychological, and spiritually. There is also evidence, according to Dr. Luskin, that the grudges we hold can impact our physical health too. Practicing forgiveness also helps to build bridges between us and other people. When we hold on to a grievance story, we also begin to overgeneralize that story to others. For example, when a man is wronged by an individual woman, he might begin to develop a prejudice against women in general. This leads to further problems for the man who was wronged, because, as you can imagine, when he projects his grievance story on to other women, he begins to damage those relationships as well.
People quickly begin to object to forgiveness for several reasons. They will say things like, “I just can’t let go”, or “what he did was not ok”, or “I don’t want them to get away with it”, or “she did not apologize”. These statements all point to reasonable concerns about what it means to forgive. But forgiveness is not forgetting, ignoring, or excusing the abuse. As humans, justice is a core value that spans across cultures. I find that many are apprehensive about forgiving their abuser because it feels like it would be wrong to let go of the grudge. While others find a sort of satisfaction in holding on to the grudge as a form of revenge. They feel that they will lose their power.
Additionally, forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation is where two parties agree to repair the damage done to the relationship--each party owning their part of the disagreement or abuse. I often find that my clients resist forgiveness because they do not want to go speak with the abuser. Sometimes it is not safe or possible to speak with the abuser, so reconciliation is not always an option. However, forgiveness (though a necessary step towards reconciliation) is not dependent on the abuser apologizing or even changing their ways. For many people, they feel that they can only forgive if the offender apologizes and shows signs that they have changed. The problem with this way of thinking is that it robs the offended party of their power to heal apart from the offender, and grants the power to the offender.
Forgiveness is also not about being a martyr, or sacrificing one’s needs, rights, or safety. Forgiveness does not require one to compromise their values. One way that many, men in particular, push back on forgiveness is that it is a sign that they are weak. But in reality, forgiveness is not the natural or easy path to take. It is like picking up a boulder, and carrying it up a hill--or, dare I say, picking up a cross and carrying it up a hill? Forgiveness requires considerable strength of will. Consider the forgiveness displayed by former World War II Prisoner of War, Eric Lomax, who forgave his captor years later.
The core of what forgiveness is, is letting go of the grudge, or the grievance story that we have stored within us. When we harbor a grudge, even if it is a true injustice, it becomes blinding and debilitating. It gets to the point in some cases where we can’t see, think, or speak about anything else besides how we were wronged. We have all experienced people at some point or another, someone who is consumed by their own grudge. They become consumed by their victimhood and wear it like a badge of honor. Meanwhile, their mental health and their relationships suffer.
Forgiveness is also a process. Sometimes it can be easy to say the words, “I forgive you” or “I forgive them”. But then the next day comes, and you start to remember how you were wronged all over again. Sometimes, our abuser repeats the abuse or the offense, and we have to forgive again. Sometimes the offender is ourselves, and we carry a grudge toward ourselves known as guilt. This can be really tricky, because we know just how little we deserve forgiveness. Our sense of justice, our shame, or the stories we project onto others leaves us feeling undeserving of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not about justice, and it is not about what we deserve. It’s about healing. Jesus saw fit to forgive those who captured him, mocked, beat, and killed him--because his desire was the healing power of His forgiveness to be injected into a world filled with bitterness and resentment. When it is difficult to find the strength to forgive, this is the story that we can lean on to forgive, “just as Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).